🙅🏻‍♀️ Stop Saying Sorry

How Over-Apologizing Erodes Executive Presence and What to Say Instead

How many times have you said “sorry” in the last 24 hours?

Count. You might be surprised. 👀

One day, I decided to track mine. By the end of the day, I had said it over ten times.

I was shocked.

“Sorry, I’m late.”

“Sorry to interrupt.”

“Sorry, I missed that.”

“Sorry, I have a question.”

“Sorry, I was not clear.”

“Sorry to rush you.”

“Sorry to bother you.”

There was once when someone bumped into me on the street, and my first reaction was to say “sorry.” 😳

That was my wake-up call.

I was not apologizing because I had done something wrong.

I was apologizing for having a voice. For speaking up. For taking up space.

And I know I’m not alone.

Recently, I gave a talk to a group of Asian women and asked, “Have you said sorry in the last 24 hours?”

Every single hand went up.

It did not matter their title, experience, or confidence. The habit was universal.

This is not just a personal habit. It’s a collective pattern.

For many of us, especially as Asian women, this behavior is so ingrained that we do not even notice it. It is reflexive.

We’ve been conditioned to soften our presence, to make ourselves smaller, to keep the peace, to wait our turn, and to be nice even at the expense of our confidence and credibility.

⚠️ But let’s be clear: Over-apologizing isn’t humility. It’s a habit of disempowerment.

It chips away at something far more important: our executive presence.

My puppy, Nova, who is never sorry for interrupting

The Hidden Cost of “Sorry”

Executive presence is more than just dressing the part or speaking confidently. It’s the energy you bring into a room. It’s how you make others trust you, follow you, and see you as a leader.

When you lead with apologies, you lead from a place of insecurity, not authority.

Apologizing unnecessarily signals that:

• You’re unsure of your place.

• You feel like a burden.

• You’re seeking permission to speak, rather than owning your right to.

Now, let me be clear, there’s absolutely a time and place for a sincere apology. If you hurt someone, missed a critical deadline, or made a real mistake, you should take responsibility. But that’s not what we’re talking about here.

We are talking about the everyday apologies that are not really apologies at all. They are verbal tics. They are habits on autopilot. And they keep us in a cycle of self-minimization.

Why We Do It (Especially Asian Women)

For many Asian women, the habit of over-apologizing isn’t just personal; it’s cultural and generational.

We grew up with values rooted in humility, harmony, and respect for elders and authority. We were taught not to stand out, not to question too loudly, and certainly not to make others uncomfortable. Being the “good daughter”, the “hard worker”, the “model minority” often meant being agreeable, quiet, and accommodating.

So we say sorry when we speak up, because we do not want to seem too aggressive.

We say sorry when we ask for help, because we do not want to be a burden.

We say sorry when we take up space, because we have internalized that we are supposed to stay small.

Replace “Sorry” with Power

Let’s make this practical. The next time you catch yourself about to say sorry, say “Thank You” instead. Here are a few of my favorite reframes:

🔁 “Thank you for your patience.” (instead of “Sorry I’m late.”)

🔁 “Thank you for your point. I’d like to add.” (instead of “Sorry to interrupt.”)

🔁 “Thank you for catching that. I’ll fix it.” (instead of “Sorry I missed that.”)

🔁 “Thank you for sharing that. I have a question.” (instead of “Sorry, I have a question.”)

🔁 “Thank you for letting me know. Let me clarify.” (instead of “Sorry, I was not clear.”)

🔁 “Thank you in advance for the quick turnaround.” (instead of “Sorry to rush you.”)

🔁 “Thank you for making time.” (instead of “Sorry to bother you.”)

These swaps are not just about semantics. They shift your energy from apologetic to appreciative, from tentative to intentional, and from shrinking to expanding.

The Ripple Effect of Presence

When you stop apologizing for every little thing, something powerful begins to shift:

✅ You speak more clearly and confidently. You don’t ask for permission to contribute.

✅ You take up space unapologetically. You stop making yourself smaller in the room.

✅ People start to pay attention not just to your words, but to the confidence behind them.

That’s the essence of executive presence. It’s not about being the loudest voice in the room. It’s about carrying yourself with calm assurance, being grounded in what you say, and aligning your words, energy, and presence with your values and leadership.

When you stop apologizing for showing up, you start owning the space you’re in. When that happens, your presence starts speaking for you before you even say a word.

Try This: The 24-Hour “No Sorry” Challenge

For the next 24 hours, I invite you to track how often you say “sorry.”

Every time you catch yourself, pause and ask:

🔹 Is that a necessary apology or a reflexive “sorry”?

🔹 Is there a more confident way to say this starting with a Thank You?

Write them down. Replace them. Practice the reframe.

At first, it might feel awkward. It did for me, too.

But I know it works.

Now, I’m hyper-aware whenever a reflexive “sorry” tries to slip out.

Most days, I rarely say “sorry” when it’s not necessary. When I do, I catch it quickly and reframe in real time.

When You Lead Unapologetically

Here’s what I want you to remember:

✅ You don’t need to apologize for having a voice. You can honor your values without diminishing your voice.

✅ You don’t need to say sorry for being thoughtful. You can be respectful without minimizing yourself.

✅ You don’t need permission to take up space. You can take up space fully, confidently, and unapologetically.

That’s how we start to build executive presence.

As Asian women, we have spent too long being invisible and unseen. It’s time we change that.

Let’s keep each other accountable and gently remind each other when we catch those reflexive “sorrys” creeping in.

Let’s take up space authentically, powerfully, unapologetically.

P.S.: This article was first published at deniseang.substack.com/p/nosorry. Subscribe at deniseang.substack.com for free to receive new posts and support my work.